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Letter to Thay

Letter to Thay

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My sincerest hope is that someone will read this to Thich Nhat Hanh. I hope that my teacher will have a chance to know how he changed my life. This was originally written just after Thay’s stroke.

Years ago as part of my own search for health I started practicing yoga. Along with my Thai massage practice I grew more interested in meditation and Buddhism. Combing through the shelves at the local library I ran across many of your books and thumbed through them as a novice.

Being a westerner Buddhism was new to me. I was more familiar with the stories of Jesus from the New Testament but I was drawn into your way of writing and sharing your spiritual life for the benefit of others. I read more slowly, focused more on your words and slowly things became more clear. You my brother, could see. Your words were not prose, they were poetry in the form of prose. You prodded me to look deeper at life, to live fully and learn to love everyone starting with myself.

I was in a place of great anger. I’d been hit by a drunk driver and had very bad pain. The legal and medical establishment did little to help me and that’s how I stumbled into yoga then meditation to begin with. I was angry at the world, angry at society, angry about war, angry that so much wealth accumulated at the top while people starved at the bottom.

As my practice continued and deepened I grew calm. My clarity increased and my mental focus sharpened. The anger though was still present. I’d not overcome it. If anything it grew. I was confused without teachers to show me the way. The more clear I became internally the more askew the world seemed. My days were spent breathing, doing Thai massage, yoga, fasting and cleanses, open mic standup comedy (to deal with anger) and volunteering with hospice. I did my best just to experience what was going on without judgement. As long as I did not harm others or encourage bad karma I had to process my own stuff. The only way out was through.

I knew from your books and talks that you could see. You hadn’t turned away from the darkness. You stared at it and smiled. You honored the darkness within yourself and integrated it. I’d always been interested in the Vietnam war. Once while giving a report on it in school I was asked by a fellow student if it was actually a war. Puzzled, I answered yes that it was a war and my teacher corrected me and announced that Congress must declare war for it to be a war in the United States. I felt very sad for all those who perished and were injured on either side for what was not considered a war.

I’d seen footage from My Lai. I’d seen the photo of a small girl running naked through the street because she’d been burned by napalm that my government used tax dollars to produce. I’d seen the footage of the monk, lighting himself on fire in protest. All of that, I knew you’d seen it. I knew that you had not closed your eyes, had not hardened your heart and chose the side of humanity rather than the division of north or south Vietnam. You saw all of it deeply and allowed the sadness to push you further into your practice, into meditation and to love all deeply.

Knowing all of that I remember reading one of you books and encountering this idea, “The world is perfect just as it is.” I read this. I backed up and read it again. I knew you’d seen all I’ve previously mentioned. Could it be? I grew angry. I became furious at you for writing such a thing in your book. I do not recall what book it was since I read so many but I was so angry with you.

Thay, I wanted to fight you. I wanted to roll up my fists and punch you to make you take it all back. “The world is perfect just as it is.” How could you say such a thing? That’s horrible! How could you see all that darkness and declare that things were perfect just as they are? I was so angry. It took me weeks of thinking, pondering, yoga and meditation to relax and not be so upset with you.

I tell people that you are a miltant pacifist. I tell them that you were fiercely neutral during the war and aided any you could by rebuilding homes and easing their suffering. This man who’d dedicated his life to peace and compassion became someone I was so angry with I wanted to be violent. In the midst of all of that I saw you smile. No matter how angry I became, how much I protested you smiled. You put that in your book for a reason. You are a good teacher and you see, you broke me. You broke me of my error. You shined a mirror up to me and my own predicament.

All I could see was that smile. At first in my mind it was mocking, teasing due to my error in judgment. Over time I realized it was clear, calm and full of compassion for my situation. You see, a monk doesn’t write an entire book about anger without experiencing his own first. You hadn’t just been writing words. You shared your experience. Your experience led you through the same darkness time and again and you found a way out. A way that led to more calm, more mindfulness and more love.

In a sense when you said, “The world is perfect just as it is” you didn’t mean that what happens is good. You didn’t say anyone deserved it. You just said that it’s perfect as it is. I’d spent so much time with my energy focused outward. I was angry at them out there! I was angry at those people. I’d spent all of my time being angry about the outside to the exclusion of spending more time looking within.

If the world is perfect as it is who do I complain to? Who do I attack? Where do I put my energy to then make the world a better place? How do I correct it? All of these things sat on me heavily for weeks. What was I to do? You’d left me in an uncomfortable teaching that shook me deeply albeit from the kind wise words of a smiling monk. I’d grow angry then see you smile. I’d want to continue being angry but all I could see what your smile and vision that would not waver.

What I realized is that you were forcing me to look at myself then asking me if I was going continue the endless cycle of pain and suffering or choose to end it in myself. Attacking those others over there just covers up the anger and creates ceaseless duality that leads to dukkha itself.

When you said the world is perfect just as it is it was a strong mirror. You see. I believed you. I trusted you as a teacher to shed light. The light you shed was almost too much for me to bear. It took time but I understood that you were pushing me back inside myself. You pushed me back into meditation. You pushed me to uncover the darkness within myself, then I could go help others adequately. I’d spent my time being angry at the outside instead of balancing the inner and outer. You’ve no issue with my inner anger at injustice but what will I choose to do with it? There lies the teaching. The world is experiencing dukkha. What will you not do about it? That was the teaching. You presented a choice. I chose.

Over time I grew in my practice, integrated your teachings and wasn’t as angry. I understood your teaching and cherished the fact that a militant pacifist, a man so dedicated to peace and harmony that I was sure flowers must sprout out of your footsteps made me want to fight. I feel so honored to have shared our world with you and hope that this letter finds you well. My hope is that someone will read this to you and share what you’ve done for me. I hope that it makes you smile.

You’ve encouraged me to heal and confront my own inconsistencies, my own imbalance and strive to help others live good lives. I honor you brother for all that you’ve shared and wanted to wish you well.

When I found out about your recent sickness I went to my wife and with sadness and with a crestfallen demeanor told her you’d had a brain hemorrhage. Near tears she consoled me and let me talk about you. I wanted to write you to make sure you had a chance to know what you and your life have meant to me. I honor your teaching and thank you for sharing with me to crack me open. That crack let all the light in.

Thank you so much teacher. I shall honor you always. I’m very happy that a monk of small physical stature taught me most of what I know about love. Thank you brother.

Metta

Robert 🙂

Sangha

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Thai massage open practice has grown, shifted and changed through the energy that we’ve put into it. From something that started as what seemed like a fluke I nurtured those who wished to learn some Thai massage and continued promoting free bodywork til hours that eventually annoyed those we got space from. The issue was that we have too much fun, we break all the rules and no one really understands what we’re doing. Who does massage in a group setting til 2am on a Thursday night for free? We do, that’s who!

Thai bodywork has an ancient lineage and tradition. At a heart level I’ve done my best to honor that tradition while realizing that this is America, this is central Texas, whatever does not fit into our cultural lives will vanish. As a group we’re helping Thai massage evolve, we’re allowing an ancient healing practice to grow and develop in new ways. The acroyoga community in Austin has pushed us forward and helped syncretize something that’s never existed, healthy Buddhist night life in Austin. Is what we do yoga? It’s it acroyoga? Is it Thai massage? I’m not sure anyone can really answer. It’s none of those things but it’s more than the sum of those parts.

Licensed therapists and traditionalists have announced that we don’t meditate enough. No one is certified and there’s no established authority and control. This doesn’t look like Thai massage in Thailand and why is someone playing Jimi Hendrix on a stereo? Shouldn’t there be massage music? I’ve heard complaints til I’m blue in the face. Why have I persisted? I’ve persisted because almost nightly someone new has come to me and said, “This was Great!” Regulars come up to me and hug me earnestly, thanking me for keeping the group going and tell me it’s the highlight of their week.

In that space, what am I to do? Who am I to listen to? I, much like you, go with my heart. My heart tells me to continue Thai massage open practice but maintain no ownership over it. I do not directly profit from it’s existence and give it away for free. Many of you come to me with injuries, aches and pains and I distill 11 years of study to help you, for free. I could say no, but I will not.

I will not say no because I had to search, dig, scrape by and live in a world of pain for years to find those who had information to help me. I will never stop helping people and sharing because that is what the tradition says I must do.

Let me express this so it’s clear. Jivaka, the originator of Thai massage was the Buddha’s doctor. We’re told that as Buddhism spread from northern India into Thailand the monks preserved it, it mixed with local indigenous Thai medicine and there it sat. Thousands of years went by and Thai massage became distinct, nuanced, some mix of what looks like passive yoga and bodywork. The monks worked on each other to facilitate their meditation practices. They stretched each other out, did blood stops to get their legs to wake up after falling asleep from meditation and on they went, wide awake, alert and calm from the Thai massage.

Beyond that, these monks who knew the body were the local healers. People from the village came to receive the Thai massage to help with their aches and pains. The monks worked on them free of charge, helping them with their pain and hopefully encouraging them in their spiritual lives. Metta, or loving kindness was the deed of the day. If you were a monk you meditated, helped others and focused on Buddha, dharma and sangha. It was part of your spiritual duty to help others.

I’m not formally Buddhist. In fact I dislike organized religion. I’m a farang, a non-asian foreigner. I took the Thai massage taught to me and have given it 9 years to percolate through me and my yoga practice. When Thai massage open practice fell into my lap, my choice was to nurture anyone who wanted to learn, to give or receive for free. I work 6 days a week and take one day off every week. I still put energy into our group because It Must exist.

People want to feel better? Then come out. You want some bodywork for free? Then come out. You want something fun to do that doesn’t involved drinking and drugs? Come out. You want a way to be physically expressive and intimate with like minded people? This is your group. This is Thai massage open practice.

If we dressed you in saffron robes and had you do bodywork in a Thai temple, the people would mostly recognize it as Thai massage. They may look at you funny for some oddity of movement or positioning but make no mistake that the skeleton is still Thai. We’re adding our own influence just as people have done to yoga in America but now it’s time for Thai massage to spread. It’s time for this healing art to flourish in the west.

I don’t care if you have a license or not. I don’t care where your religious views lead you. I care that you wish to help yourselves and others. Metta belongs to no one. Loving kindness cannot be bought or sold, only given away freely. Everyone is fixated on rules, money, ego and personal gain in our culture. I can give because I have enough. You give because it makes you feel better. You all come out once a week and relieve each others suffering. In that sense, you’re all very good Buddhists.

Thai massage will continue to change in the U.S. There’s no way that the influence of western culture won’t have it’s effect upon the practice. Instead of avoiding that influence I decided to grab the wheel and help steer it where I think it should go. Massage therapists are slow on the pick up, yoga teachers love it but aren’t massage therapists and then comes the acroyoga community. The acroyoga community looks like a bunch of anarchists who’ve decided gravity is our friend. I happen to agree.

I write this to try to explain my position. We’re at a unique crossroads in the U.S. We’ve irritated and annoyed some because we refuse to play by the rules. The rules say that something isn’t of value unless it can be commodified, packaged, processed and sold in a drive through. We’re doing things right, creating community and helping people. We’ll never appeal to everyone but those who like what we’re doing seem to Really like what we’re doing. Everything in my being says find a new space and push the gas pedal to the floor.

Thai massage is good for everyone. Massage therapists, novices, yoga teachers and maybe, one day if we’re lucky, acroyoga, Thai massage and yoga for kids in public schools. Imagine recess where kids run outside and do bodywork on each other and therapeutic flying. You, my friends, are helping create that world. Focus on what you love and make it happen.

Sangha is a Buddhist term. Loosely it means community. The triple gem is Buddha, dharma and sangha. The Buddha represents the potential for enlightenment, dharma are the teachings that help us on our way and sangha is community. The community we’ve created is my sangha. I’ve sat with many massage therapists and felt alone because they’re not my people. I feel the same about much of the yoga community, just at odds with the dominant paradigm. Thai massage open practice and the Austin Thai Massage community have always been home, from the first day I set foot in the place. You’ve understood what we were doing and happily taken up the practice and shared with friends like you’d found gems underneath some dirt.

I’ve always been a loner. I anger many people. My thoughts and feelings on issues politically, religiously and otherwise annoy most. I’m always calm with our group. I feel understood. You are my sangha, my community, my friends.

Thank you for what you’ve helped create. We will have a new home soon. We will show Austin, Texas what night life can be for a 21st century human who’s decided to keep the healing heart of the Buddha alive in central Texas. Love in contagious. Thai massage is an idea whose time has come. We’ll feed the flame until it becomes an all consuming fire in our community.

Namaste’,
Robert

Be Here Now

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Ram Dass is one of my original teachers. Years ago I’d had a particularly difficult emotional and mental few years where I felt stuck. A friend gifted me a brown paper wrapped copy of Be Here Now. I read it voraciously knowing there was some truth to what he communicated. I didn’t understand it all, not sure I ever will but what caught me was the heart of his message.

Throughout the book there was a sense of his being a brother, of sharing what he’d learned and what helped him without any dogma. He didn’t force me to a position, he just presented what he’d been through and encouraged you to explore for yourself. His writing read like poetry, the feeling of the book is what caught me, I sensed he was onto something.

I particularly related to the portions of the book that reinterpreted the way I saw the figure of Jesus. Christ became another teacher, someone to look up and aspire to but one of many. None of the dogmatic fire and brimstone was found within Ram Dass’ text. Jesus compassion to those around him while he was on the cross was an amazing shift, a different perspective on a story I’d read many times.

Ram Dass‘ humanity is what stuck with me. I’ve never forgotten how he’d opened a door and helped me see beyond my day to day suffering to a larger picture. I’d been stuck, unable to see out of the little cell I’d been caught in to see the larger picture. In much the same way that your vantage point in a city changes when you go into an airplane, Ram Dass’ book gave me the courage to begin exploring flight.

Not physical flight but the flight of the spirit. Ram Dass made me consider that I may not be as physical as I’d at first thought. Maybe, just maybe I was Self. Somewhere underneath all of my stuff was a more permanent I. For someone who’d suffered chronic pain that was a positive shift in perspective.

The Asian Master

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I’ve noticed a trend within the yoga community and in the bodywork world that bothers me. It’s been sitting in front of me for a long time and I sometimes fall prey to it as well. The notion is that there’s an Asian master. In a far off land removed from American consumer society there’s a secret land, a Shangri La where a master holds some secret that’s pure.

I know that asian traditions have wisdom for westerns to draw from, as a yoga instructor and Thai massage teacher it’s obvious that I respect these traditions. At the same time I’m a westerner, I’ve little use for sanskrit, less use for gurus in the traditional sense and I take what I can learn from and leave the rest behind. These wisdom traditions have things to share, things we can benefit from but I don’t hold religious zealotry about it.

He who sits on fruit has sweet bottom.

He who sits on fruit has sweet bottom.

People in asia are just humans, people like us. As east and west continue to collide and westerners look for guides and road maps it’s important to remember that the truth that we need lives inside us. Be quiet and listen.

I love what BKS Iyengar, Ramana Maharshi, Neem Karoli Baba, Osho and other teachers have to share. Part of me is a westerner though, I grew up in a different culture, a different time and place with youtube. We can pick and choose who our teachers are and there are many of them. Before we run to far off lands to find them let’s remember they also live inside us.

Special thanks to Michael Zernial of Relax Georgetown for the image.

Just Sit

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A regular yoga practice has been the most personally healing practice I’ve done in my life. Nothing so consistently gives me mental clarity, an able body and the ability to learn to just sit.

Consumer culture teaches us to chase the newest best thing and eternal youth. Neither has anything to do with reality. Yoga as a practice teaches you to focus your body to harness your mind and learn to let go. The breath is no longer held and you surrender. Learning to let go and not cling or grasp has been one of the greatest benefits of my practice.

In a tough situation, when I’m floundering on what to do I can just breathe and admit that I’ve no clue. Life can sort itself out. I go back to basics and remind myself that I’m not in control of anything other than my own actions. Sitting, breathing and observing first, I make better choices when I go into action.

Just sit. Be.

Ramana Maharshi

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My feelings about healing work, depth of observation and practice lead me to various spiritual traditions at times. I make no bones about being a westerner who takes “truth” wherever I find it. I rely on Jesus’ teachings as much as eastern spirituality, particularly Indian spiritual men as I discover them. One in particular who’s influenced my life is Ramana Maharshi.

Life can throw you curve balls, the unseen can be scary and as I strive to make sense of the world around me I find his teachings plain, pure and simple. When I’m feeling claustrophobic, like there’s no escape, it’s usually more difficult to hold onto some spiritual core. As I age I see these moments are more important to my own personal spiritual growth. Accepting the darkness, the most sinister places in yourself and in life as part of your teaching takes perseverance, time and patience that tests me to my limits.

In those moments, I can see Ramana’s teachings like these:

“Existence or Consciousness is the only reality. Consciousness plus waking we call waking. Consciousness plus sleep we call sleep. Consciousness plus dream, we call dream. Consciousness is the screen on which all the pictures come and go. The screen is real, the pictures are mere shadows on it.”

“Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.”

“Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.”

Blessings.

Change

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I’m currently working plenty and delivering some of the best bodywork Austin has to offer. There are many changes underfoot and I admit being nervous about changes in business or living situation. As with all things I attempt to take it with grace and calm, an ongoing yoga practice makes a huge difference.

As I age, change and life continues to throw me curve balls I couldn’t imagine, I find myself in awe. In the middle of interactions with people, social situations, working with clients and students I’m usually trying to put my best foot forward. After years of practice in the healing arts and having relationships with people I’ve come across ongoing spiritual truths. The first among these is that all things change.

This fundamental fact, if you really grasp it, means that clinging to anything is pointless. Some have issue with this teaching. Saying you’re unattached often feels like you’re detached or being emotionally distant instead of involved in change or others tumult. I think it’s just the opposite. Holding someone in the midst of turmoil calms and soothes them while recognizing the fundamental fact that you’re both floating on a sometimes rough ocean. No one is harmed when emotions are calmed and burdens recognized and shared.

When things are good, it’s easy to sit, dwell, hang out and enjoy the sun’s rays. When it’s raining and you’re in your nice clothes with somewhere to go it’s far more difficult. You’re still on the same ocean and a storm is brewing. What is our goal in the midst of all this flux? Your goal is to become a cork. Just float. Life’s changes and your emotional responses to them will go on unceasingly. The hard part is sitting, dwelling in that state and allowing it to come and go just as joy will. Don’t avoid. Embrace.

Be a cork. Float.

“Behold, O monks, this is my advice to you. All component things in the world are changeable. They are not lasting. Work hard to gain your own salvation.”~~The Buddha’s final teaching

Healing

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Sigmund Freud is quoted as saying that, “only two things heal, love and work.” I’ve spent ten years pondering healing and what it means to us as a species. It comes in many forms and one thing I’m certain of is that much like life itself it continues to shift and change. What was once healing, isn’t as beneficial as it once was. Attachment to particular outcomes leads to much suffering.

Over time as business grows I feel marketing, networking, logistics, schedules and adult responsibility creeping in and I try to remember why I became interested in my work to begin with. I wanted to help others as I’d been helping myself. That continues but it’s good to sit, breathe and remember our core as we venture off into the sunset on another adventure. What is the goal?

At my core I want to be whole. I want time with my loved ones. I want to be able to eat homemade pesto with some salami on a warm summer night and relish the small gifts life has allowed. I never want to be so lost in marketing and money that I lose sight of why I started doing what I do to begin with. Finances never even factored. I had to heal. I’ve come a long way, helped many people and long after I’m gone people will remember me as a healing force in their lives. Flawed but always with good intentions.

You heal as quickly as you allow yourself to let go of disease, discomfort and old beliefs. Why grasp? Let go.

Neighbor as Self

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I watched and listened to this latest video and I’m glad I’ve chosen to shoot, edit and distribute content on my own. This freedom means I can discuss whatever I care to and whatever is on my mind at that present moment.

In this video I discuss yoga, some of its energetic underpinnings and also touch on how I came to the practice. Energy flow and a release of physical tension lead to a clearer sense of self and a calm nervous system allows us to listen to others easily. With this new found calm you can begin the process not only of sitting meditation but making life itself meditation.

When discussing yoga in a western culture there are many stumbling blocks. If someone tells me they are a Christian and therefore cannot do yoga my hackles raise. If God who created you wishes you to be in back pain, have poor health and the inability to use the temple he’s given you, then he’s simply not much of a heavenly father. Sounds more absentee to me.

That may be a harsh statement but consider that for ten years I look around and see suffering. Jesus came to remove suffering. Much like my teacher I’m here to help do the same. That’s why I teach yoga and practice Thai massage.